Long-lost Cousin Gifts

'It's a guest tooth brush!!! You're not the only guest we've ever had, Dale!'

Bitchbark Canoe

'What a drive! Our boy's going to go a long, long way.'

'But Dad, all the other kids get a roth IRA as part of their allowance package.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I can't see a blinkin' thing."

'@#$=%!} paparazzi!'

'If he's only five years old, how come he knows the words to 'See the USA in your Chevrolet'?'

"Better luck next time, kid."

'Look. Billy Curry did a nude!'

"Hey guys - wrote a new song! It's called 'I suggested Paris.' And a' one, two three..."

'We're playing doctor ??" Billy's the anesthetist.'

"My novel is about a romance between an octogenarian and a septuagenarian, but I can't remember which is which."

'More hair than brains.'

'No, Adam, 'awesome' is not an acceptable choice of what you want to be when you grow up.'

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

Salvador Dali's cats.

'How was I to know that my invisible friend was so rambunctious?'

Interning in D.C. Volunteering in Seattle. Trekking in Nepal. Lucky ducks! I'm stuck here working 2 jobs! Wow! You're getting paid?!! Who knew? Employment is this summer's must-have status symbol. Some parents envy you.

'I'm looking for a good summer looks....I can't read yet.'

'I'm not lazy - just resting before I get tired...'

'Dog Show' 'Worst breath winner'

The Exhaustive Bro Catch Up

'I remember, Fido, winning isn't the only thing...there are also stud fees.'

'Look! There's Santa!'

"OK, here comes Sylvia Sanchez...it's a perfect time to ask her to the homecoming dance."

"So what's your definition of 'love'?"

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

The Inventor of the Man Bun.

"Prepare yourself for a shock. The birth records reveal you have a twin brother."

'May I have a moment of your time? I'd like to tell you about a plan my bank has for your IRA...'

"Those are my unfinished connect-the-dots which I plan on finishing when I learn how to count past 10."

Older cousin press

"This is your second cousin Armando. He was an artist."

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'