Loneliness Analyst T-Shirts

"Your contact tracing revealed that you have no life."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

Cellphone Islands

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"We have to stop meeting like this – people are starting to talk ‘psychiatric ward.’"

'Openly sobbing, or non-openly sobbing?'

Brown Non-Recluse Spider

'Maybe we should talk to him more, Malcolm.'

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

'I'm worried about myself, Doc...I'm not spending much time with other cats.'

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

Desert Planet

"All of my friends are imaginary."

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"Do you think solitude drives you insane?"

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

'I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?'

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

"Sorry, but she says she's not interested. She just wants to play the field."

'I told you that nobody would show up.'

"Are we maximizing our time together or minimizing our efforts?"

'No, I'm not going to hate myself in the morning. I hate myself now!'

"I can smell his fear of commitment."

"... No, you're not my first husband. But, you're the first one who's ever been married to me."

'Your resume is great - but I'm always suspicious when a good man is easy to find.'

"You'll make a good first wife."

"I'm not afraid of being alone. I just need someone around to discover my corpse because I can't afford a housekeeper."