Local News Reader Gifts

Fur Flies

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

Flake News

"We've been campaigning for years to encourage central government to delegate more powers to local authorities..."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

Which One is Pulling Out?

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"Someday a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the street. But today, expect occasional sprinkles."

Up-to-the-minute reporting from our man on the street.

"And in local news, somebody pooped on the Jenkins' lawn again."

'Honey! Hurry and help me bar the door! I saw a bunch of rowdy senior citizens in parrot masks down by the arena!'

Find More Kids

The Original Information Superhighway

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."

Fiona Bruce

"The network's infotainment division thinks you should open with a song."

'I got a video broadcasting degree with a minor in news reading and a major in perky.'

'ANCHOR doesn't mean you drag the whole network!'

"This is Ritz Rose, substituting for the vastly over rated Ed Yomp..."

So much to be cross about, so little time.

'What's the old saying...'

"Oooh, let's take our books over there."

Small and Decrepit

Get Off My Sidewalk

"God heavens! My shares are listed on the cartoon page"

Woman over garden fence: 'I've invented some new gossip I'd like circulating.'

"George - we don't have an opposing point of view!"

"City officials have cited erectile dysfunction as the cause for the building's collapse. And, on that note, I think I will now tender my resignation."

'And finally, I'm gay'

'Hey folks, do me a favour, come closer and read the news yourself while I'm out to meet my new girlfriend, okay?'

'Guess who's got his picture in the paper.'

'So how long have you known about Dad and Victoria, Kate? Aaarrgh!! Why am I always the last to know about anything around here.'

'We don't get any channels, but we pick up what's going on in 79 neighborhood homes.'