Local News Junkie Gifts

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

Trial by Media

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Who will determine Venezuela's future?

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Squeezing the Free Press.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Trump pardons

"What I do is pick up the morning paper, go through it carefully, and then, depending on how I feel about things, I either say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand there and do nothing, or walk out of the classroom."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"Who's got the hammer?"

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

"Away with the warmonger!"

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"Excellent, excellent. A fine blend of truths, half-truths, and blatant falsehoods."

Donald Trump Removing Aggressor Label From Vladimir Putin

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

The economy.

Difference of Opinion

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

Studies show foods work miracles!

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

CIA report

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."