Live Performance Attendee Gifts

"They're not happy about it, but we made a scheduling error and the customers are expecting a drag brunch."

'Any more hecklers out there? No? OK. Hey, what's the deal with prison food?'

Zombie standup

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

Rhapsody in Blue.

Anna Calvi

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

EWE 2.

George Michael

"This next one's another oldie."

Famous Jewish Blues Singer Series.

Theatre Crowd

Elvis Presley

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Italica

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

Jarvis Cocker

"Free Bird!"

"The last time I heard a beat like this I was at a Grateful Dead concert."

Eric Clapton.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

Johannes Sebastian Bach

Hey, I think I found something. Heavy metal detector.

"We have a song, but neither of us can remember it."

"Tong!"

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

Six jazz instruments.

Liam Gallagher.

Steve Howe.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

Fuzz - Max has the taste of success.

Super Bowl Halftime Show Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.

"This next one's called 'Song for Me'."