Linguistic Critic Gifts

"You boys! Stop using parliamentary language in the playground!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

No-Work Orange

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

An English and French student converse.

Time Table

A 'DIVERSION' sign points to a crazy guy.

Patent Office: ". . . It's a phoneless cord."

'Once a donzel, the dyvour now settled for orts.'

"He's a fine talker, but can you understand Portuguese?"

"Why 'Black Death'? Why not 'rodent-related'?"

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I don't like this part. 'Please find enclosed the inclusion of my enclosure'.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"Pansexual"

Overly wordy travel.

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

Gee, this is my lucky night. You see, when it comes to women, I'm not a leg man; I'm not a breast man; I'm a punctuation man. ! !

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Is it ne'er do wells, or ne'ers do well?"

"You don't need to sacrifice good grammar in order to talk dirty."

Simultaneous translation.

'In and/or out' sign on door of department of philosophy

Boss hands over document: 'There are too many abbreviations in your report ? can you rewrite it asap?'

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."