Lighthearted Griever Pillows

"He was a cheerleader."

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"At least you don’t need a wetsuit."

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

Shall I be mother?

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

"Let's just say my teacher and I agreed to disagree."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"Patience, you can have it back in a minute..."

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

'Hey, what's with all this 'God forbid' stuff?'

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

'Frankly, I don't remember why I called this meeting.'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

Wheels for all purposes.

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

Pigeon Breeders' Association.

Spiro & Pusho go hunting.

"I have two children from a previous economic cycle."

"Could you supersize these grades, Ms. Bain?"

"My approach to life is to bark twice, wag my tail, and hope for the best."

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

'Very funny!'

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

"Call me!"

Judge, ruling on mime: 'Guilty of wasting your life. Case dismissed.'

'How many times did I say it? Rex, I said, don't go too close to the cliff.'

"So Jesus, do you prefer Methodist or Lutheran?"