Lighthearted Griever Pillows

"He was a cheerleader."

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

"At least you don’t need a wetsuit."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

Shall I be mother?

"Let's just say my teacher and I agreed to disagree."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"Patience, you can have it back in a minute..."

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

'Hey, what's with all this 'God forbid' stuff?'

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

'Frankly, I don't remember why I called this meeting.'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

"I see there's been an improvement in your athlete's foot."

Wheels for all purposes.

Spiro & Pusho go hunting.

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

"I have two children from a previous economic cycle."

Pigeon Breeders' Association.

"Could you supersize these grades, Ms. Bain?"

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

"Call me!"

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

"John, how are you gonna Baptize me when you throw like a girl?"

'Very funny!'

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

"My approach to life is to bark twice, wag my tail, and hope for the best."

'How many times did I say it? Rex, I said, don't go too close to the cliff.'

Judge, ruling on mime: 'Guilty of wasting your life. Case dismissed.'