Lifestyle Design Pillows

'I'm an under achiever, what do you do?'

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

Sometimes he just stood back and admired the breathtaking scenery of his life.

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Low-Energy Drinks

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

Cat in a flap

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Meanwhile in Hollywood

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

"Your blood sugar levels are off the chart! Just how many Hallmark Christmas movies did you watch?"

Trust

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Home is where I hang my bat.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

"Death coach..."

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

"Bob choked on a spoon of caviar while he was on skiing vacation in St. Moritz."

Perfection

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'You see, you don't really need a cigarette to wake up in the morning.'

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

Macho Vegetarian

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

Does it spark joy?

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."