Lifestyle Renovator Pillows

"The long and the short of it, doctor, is that I'm ready to change from a soccer mom to a Nascar dad."

Painting by the numbers for adults

Painting the Ceiling

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

'And when you're done here honey, I have a nice periwinkle picked out for the foyer!'

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

Perfection

"If he didn't live each day like it was his last, he would have lived another 40 years."

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

'Dad, this is something I knocked up in the shed.'

"You won’t need refills."

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."

'How are you doing on your side?'

Cut out and keep your own D.I.Y expert.

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'This fish looked bored so we installed a rec room below their tank.'

"We'd like you to think of it not as a 'brick', but rather as an essential component of a potential self-build project."

"I thought this was a do it YOURself project."

Renovation work at Mount Rushmore.

"Right it's decided! We are both sober for October and Stoptober. Then Movember and Decembeard and Dry January, then..."

GPs to be encouraged to offer advice on 'lifestyle' issues

'Of course, some assembly is required. That's why my bid was so low.'

'Cut back on the women and song. You can still have the wine though.'

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

'Let's take out a second mortgage and add a pizza garage.'