Lifestyle Philosopher Pillows

'I live in quiet desperation - it was either that or Tunbridge Wells.'

"Congratulations...it's a lifestyle choice."

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"You need to justify your own existence first."

Junk art/ food/ tv/ music/ amusements/ novels/ views/ life.

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Death coach..."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

Perfection

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

Does it spark joy?

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

Who's Dead

Investment Guru/Lifestyle Guru/Tech Guru/Fashion Guru

"Some day, son, all these aches and pains will be yours."

Women

I can't believe I ate all that kale for nothing.

'Cut back on the women and song. You can still have the wine though.'