Lifelong Partner Seeker Gifts

Marriage Bureau: 'I hope you're not just window shopping.'

A crowd of happy pet owners.

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"Ooooooh, just what I wanted!"

Reading the sports pages.

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

"Want to deal with some unresolved issues or just get another movie."

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Silly thing, of course I still find you repulsive.'

Take You Home

"Will you still love me when I'm old and past it?"

'That was a great movie! Want to watch another video, dear?'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"We should never have committed binary fission!"

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."

"I hunt, she gathers, but we always get together for cocktails at five."

"Martin, did we ever get our freak on?"

"Of course you don't look anything like your reflection in the mirror."

"We've been married 32 years. How can you possibly still be in beta?"

'I feel like I just don't know you anymore, Richard!'

Google Translate for Marriagese

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

Dead Silence: a restaurant for married people

"We met online, it was love at first site."

'...And preferably someone with a blood donor card.'

"Synchronized sitting"

"What did we throw at our problems before we had Money?"

"Have you noticed how blatant sex is everywhere in the culture but here?"

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"