Life's Little Contradictions Gifts

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

Your enemy is defeated by Fate

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

Fish to friend regarding third fish leaving Precambrian ocean: 'There's been no living with him since he started to evolve.'

I don't understand why I need a referral from my primary-care doctor to see a specialist I've already seen, who told me himself to come back for a follow-up visit. That's just the way it works. You'll also need a referral from your tailor before we can put you in a hospital gown.

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

Hillary knew to not get too excited about being in remission since bad news could again come out of nowhere.

You can't go back.

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

Worker is confused at the Paradox Parcel Company.

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'No, it's not my diploma. I dropped out. It's my birth certificate.'

'Have you read about the millionaire who dresses like a hobo and gives money to those who are kind to him?'

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

Destinations

'I had a job once, sir, but I succumbed to sleep deprivation.'

General Dentistry.

'My ex-wife won the lottery! The lottery!'

"We'd like to divorce our children."

"I'd better change my habits/enjoy myself before it's too late!"

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

Over Eater's Anonymous.

Plant rose trees in a sunny part of the garden.

REcalculating...

Isn't life ironic

"Have you been waiting long?"

'I've managed to avoid most of life's pitfalls -- what got me was the chuckholes.'