Lie Detector Examiner Gifts

"Simple yes or no. Are the cartoons funny?"

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Turtle Hat

Lady Justice wears a blindfold, but listens through headphones to a tape recorder on one of her scales.

"Your IQ came back negative."

Sportswasher's

"I'm not lying. I'm social distancing."

"How long do you think we'll get away with it?"

Barrister asking a witness to produce burnt papers

"We need to discuss your expense account."

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'

'Exhibit A: the oxygen tube that came loose the night she died. You were there that night. You wanted to play then, too.'

'As it turned out, circumstantial evidence was all they needed.'

"Well, certainly his claim seems justified , but if we paid off every justified claim what kind of insurance company would we be?"

Practicing for the lie detector test...'I have only $800 in the bank. I was never in Chicago. I know nothing about the dog food business.'

'Pegasus used steroids. Pass it on.'

'That's great, but it was supposed to be a laxative.'

"You did very well on your I.Q. test. You're a man of 49 with the intelligence of a man of 53."

"He's lying! Just like all men! Oh God, mother was right, I'm never getting married, am I?"

"This is wonderful - a completely dust-free lab. What do you study here?"

"And if you did, why did you cross the road?"

Chimp, proficient in primate speech, outsmarts a lie detector.

"The truth is I always lie."

Extreme Makeover.

Consumer Safety Testing Lab. Bake-it Toy Oven. We have lots of work to do --- Now get the lead out!

Detectorist meteorite.

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

'Now, how big was that fish again?'

'Good morning, Mr Herbert. If my face seems familiar, it's because yesterday you gave me 'out LBW' when I was at least a foot outside the leg stump. Shall we start your test?'

'He'll have to do a drugs test!'

Personnel Screening. Do you have any objection to taking a lie detector test? Is my answer part of the test?

'Bad news, I'm afraid. You've passed your lie detector test.'

'The GOP has a Purity Test!'

"Did they do a test for steroids after the cow jumped over the moon?"