License Humorist Gifts

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Squint your eyes and grit your teeth so I can make sure it's you.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Inside healer'

'Ageism at work'

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

We offer no healthcare benefts but offer several fringes benefits.

"You're hired. Stay!"

2 trilobites; 'So what are you going to be when you die - oil or gas?'

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"Baxter, I'm doing an online course in delegating and I want you to sit the exam for me."

'This CARP-el tunnel syndrome makes work difficult. My hands keep slipping off my jackhammer.'

"I like your resume, Andy. It shows you're smart, a good worker and full of potassium!"

Your CV is rather thin...