Level-headed Punster Pillows

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

Bitter End

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"I call it decking - it will be all the rage in a few years."

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

Hamlet.

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

Optometrist practical jokes

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

'To save the state the expense of a trial, I thought I'd run off to Spain.'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

Surfin' the web.

Kissing Game

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.