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"We would like to request a change of venue to an entirely different legal system."

"Remember, as your lawyer, anything we discuss is confidential. And if you rat me out, I'll know where to find you."

'But I learned a valuable lesson: before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

"Actually, there were a number of messages while you were in prison."

"In all good conscience I can't let him take the stand. He might implicate me!"

Counselor, did you advise your client that lies have consequences? Not in so many words. Given the current political climate, I advised him that alternative facts could lead to alternative perjury charges.

Before I give you the judge's decision on your appeal, I don't believe you've met our grief councilor.

"Alright, we'll do it your way...but when we get sued for malpractice, don't blame me."

"The jury would like to say that this case was not as juicy as it promised to be."

'I want a super injunction on the fact that no-one will have an affair with me.'

'It was a furious stormy affair from the start, and after the winds of passion subsided, I just 'blew him away'.'

Booter

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten!

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

Stop and Birch

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"#notguilty."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

Intellectual Property

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

How a Bill Becomes a Law, 2023

'Just think of one of these as enabling legislation for the golden rule.'

Arrogant junior barrister

"'Ignorance of the law is no excuse.' Golly! I never heard that one! Did you ever hear that one?"

"It's either this or a country run by lawyers."

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"When I grow up I'm going to be a police officer and follow in my dad's footsteps."

'I'm here waiting appeals.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."