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American Horror Story: Shadow Docket

Panic attack outside the courthouse

"I was innocent but the jury thought I looked really guilty."

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

'Way too much information on your resume.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'For ever 'no-no' there's a legal 'yes-yes'.'

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'Oh, objection, objection, objection - what is it this time, Counselor?'

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

White House P.R. - Out To Smear the FBI & Mueller.

Eleven Angry Men and One Happy Chappy

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- You lifted that alibi from a September, 1958 episode of 'Perry Mason!'

'My client may have huffed and he may have puffed, but ladies and gentlemen, he just happens to have a very bad smoker's cough. He did not blow anyone's house down!'

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Esq.

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'