Legal Satire Collector Gifts

'I accept that a dog can be a man's best friend but I'm afraid that doesn't qualify you to speak on the defendant's behalf...'

'I want a straightforward answer: Did you or did you not willfully claw a flea to death on your left ear?'

Trial by Media

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

Yawning barristers in court

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

"Barry stop!. . . I'm you! I'm Barry from 2008. I'm using a time machine to stop you from making an awful mistake!"

Antonin Scalia

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

"My God—I've forgotten the number of my Swiss bank account!"

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'Don't be so sexist, sweet cheeks.'

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

Slave Drivers.

The annual running of the lawyers.

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

"You are the weakest wink...goodbye."

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

'Littering, Your Honor.'