Legal Satire Collector Pillows

'I accept that a dog can be a man's best friend but I'm afraid that doesn't qualify you to speak on the defendant's behalf...'

'I want a straightforward answer: Did you or did you not willfully claw a flea to death on your left ear?'

Trial by Media

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

Yawning barristers in court

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

"My God—I've forgotten the number of my Swiss bank account!"

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

"Barry stop!. . . I'm you! I'm Barry from 2008. I'm using a time machine to stop you from making an awful mistake!"

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

Antonin Scalia

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

Slave Drivers.

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

The annual running of the lawyers.

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

"You are the weakest wink...goodbye."

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

'Finally, an objective way to decide who to promote around here.'