Legal Professional Gifts

"Remember to round each billable hour off to the nearest week."

"Your Honor, the defense contends its client could never get a fair trial in this court."

"If you want justice, it's two hundred dollars an hour. Obstruction of justice runs a bit more."

'...They were on the verge of working out the problem themselves.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The Court will allow the cape but will draw the line at the wind machine."

"I'm going to get you acquitted, but I want my fee to be a lesson to you."

"Great news, Phil! The governor has determined that you don't have a high enough I.Q. to merit execution."

Boss talking to lawyer, 'These new Terms and Conditions you've drafted for us are extremely long and overly complex - our customers are never going to be able to understand them. Well done Jones!'

'It looks like they're bringing in the new regulations manual.'

"Excellent-let's run it through legal."

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed for."

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"Before you open it, could you just sign the waiver accepting that the firm bears no responsibility for guaranteeing that your retirement is in fact 'Happy'."

'Have I lapsed into legalese?'

Frankly, I'm dubious about Amalgamated Smelting and Refining pleading innocent to their anti-trust violiation due to insanity.

'Apart from illiteracy, low self esteem, homelessness, poverty and a broken home. I can't find any reason for his offending behaviour!'

'According to Legal, just THINKING about this project is an infringement of someone's copyright!'

"What's the fee we charge clients who call to complain about fees?"

Food - Gas - Lawyers - Next Exit.

"I assure you that everything you say to me will be held in strictest confidence."

That's a material breach if I've ever seen one.

'How could you swindle those good people who trusted you?'

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

Devil on trial - "We find the defendant guilty of being in the details."

'My client pleads not guilty by reason of still being in denial.'

"I'm happy to say that my final judgement of a case is almost always consistent with my prejudgement of the case."

'So what can I do for you, Mr McNuggets?'

The Letter Of The Law/The Spirit Of The Law

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"Complaints about your rights being abused have to be put in writing."

'Our new product has increased growth in our legal department.'

'And then I said, 'So sue me!'...'