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"In mitigation 'Sunny Chemicals' would wish to point out that, prior to Mr Crumb suffering from the allergic reaction - he was already very ugly."

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

Pre-Minstrel Tension

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

'Way too much information on your resume.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

"I'll never understand it. I followed the generally accepted principles of embezzling."

'For ever 'no-no' there's a legal 'yes-yes'.'

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

"You don't have to answer that."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Can you identify the person who assaulted you and then stole your title?"

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

Eleven Angry Men and One Happy Chappy

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Esq.

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- You lifted that alibi from a September, 1958 episode of 'Perry Mason!'

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."