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"In mitigation 'Sunny Chemicals' would wish to point out that, prior to Mr Crumb suffering from the allergic reaction - he was already very ugly."

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

Pre-Minstrel Tension

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

'Way too much information on your resume.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

"I'll never understand it. I followed the generally accepted principles of embezzling."

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

'For ever 'no-no' there's a legal 'yes-yes'.'

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

"You don't have to answer that."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Esq.

Eleven Angry Men and One Happy Chappy

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- You lifted that alibi from a September, 1958 episode of 'Perry Mason!'

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

"Can you identify the person who assaulted you and then stole your title?"

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'