Lecture Aficionado T-Shirts

'Here we see a correlation between the returns of the stock market over the past twenty years and the attendance figures for my informative lectures over the same time period.'

Dr. Hazeltine attended the lecture on descenting skunks...

'...And now a word from our sponsors...'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

"Meet The Author"

Edgar Allen Poe

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

The Dorrie Decimal System

King Henry and his Cheshire bride

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

'It's all original research. I had no assistance when I looked it up on Wikipedia.'

"Any questions?"

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

Trilby - 'The old studio'.

Stephen Spender.

Gunter Grass

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Charles Darwin Book Signing.

Keeping all the balls in the air - skills

"Yes, Jane Lyons, sitting next to Katy Jones, class of 2018, it is important for a writer to know her audience."

"It lost a little something in translation."

Günter Grass

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

Archeologist Deciphers Limerick Heiroglyphs

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

Tequila Mockingbird

"He was a big man, but he moved like a cat."