Law Satire Fan Gifts

'I'm going to lay a guilt trip on you, man.'

Young executive sees notice -'last hired, first indicted.'

Trial by Media

Yawning barristers in court

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

Antonin Scalia

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

The annual running of the lawyers.

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

Hermes, Process Server Of The Gods

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

Snowman about snowman fallen on ice: 'Obviously they would have had time to clear the ice.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'