Laughing In The Pews Pillows

'Church Commission Land. No entry. Don't be tempted - someone IS watching!'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

'I understand there have been complaints that his sermons weren't getting through to the teenagers.'

A virtue of vicars

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

Minister's File

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

'With all the cars driven by little old ladies only to church on Sunday, you'd think the church would be completely full of little old ladies.'

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

'We don't have a health plan, but we have a very nice cemetery right out in the churchyard.'