Laughing At Life's Surprises Pillows

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

"I need to tinkle."

Your enemy is defeated by Fate

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Missing my hair.

'Well sure, YOU'VE got brakes on FOUR wheels!'

IRS. That was a rough audit. They disallowed all of my deductions! You can't claim all these people as dependents ... The business expenses are not correct ... and the charitable contributions don't meet guidelines. You're shredding my return with that?! Wow! Ut was The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre!

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

'I was going to hunt for them. Then I thought hey - why not just clone new ones!'

Turtle chick.

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

'Your extensive anxiety condition was brought about by worrying about a national health plan.'

'Oh dear.'

Bad sea-legs

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

'Carol, get your protective headphones on'

Truck collision due to incompetence

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

'The good news is your ailment is named after me, the bad news is there is no cure,'

General Dentistry.

"Are you sure this is what the man who attacked you looked like?"

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

'I hope you haven't been picking at it.'

"Of course - as a private patient you'd get little extras-like anaesthetic..."

New Graduate: Entering real life.

'Was that you who screamed?' - 'No, the dentist.'

REcalculating...

Isn't life ironic

Plumbers. I said Ernie is a perfectionist, not a competent perfectionist!