Laughable Lobber Pillows

"Ed Lowry: Worst hunter ever"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

Sailor in Car.

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"Say, do you have time between all that DNA research to invent a non-smelly sock."

Pie chart of pub conversations

'That's funny... I could have sworn I saw the chef put him on the platter.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"I feel it's only fair to warn you, Dr. Thompson, that watching cell division can be quite stimulating!"

'Now that should make it a lot easier.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Without thinking Captain Hook uses the wrong hand'

Tragedy and Material

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"If we're to have a serious relationship Nigel, you must stop ringing my bell and running away."

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Amy Schumer

'MILK FIGHT!'

'You're not alone, Mr. Scrapp. A lot of hyenas are sensitive to laughter in the bedroom.'

"I tied his line around this log, then I tug on it once in awhile. He's gullible, because it's been three hours now."