Lover Of Ludicrous Laughter Pillows

"I tied his line around this log, then I tug on it once in awhile. He's gullible, because it's been three hours now."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Apple Pie Abduction

"Now you can send it."

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

'I told you it wouldn't work.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

King and Jester

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

Baseball.

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

Operation.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

UFO and snowman

'Right, now learn this trick...'

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Testing...testing...one, two, three...

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

Trapeze artists commuting

'Well, so far the only ones to answer our fondue party invitation are the rats in our basement.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"