Lover Of Absurd Humor Pillows

"Frankly I'm a bit confused. According to the genetic printout this gentleman is, in fact, a goat

'They get me a lot of respect on the freeway.'

"Several groups have claimed responsibility."

"Hand-knotted. You do realize that is a genuine hand-knotted Persian rug?"

"Omg! What was I thinking?!"

"Your virginity! There's not a lot we can do about that."

"That was disgusting, Ted! Next time you decide to join us on a walk, I'll pick up after the dog!!!"

"You know, on second thought I do believe that is checkmate!"

"The procedure took twelve and a half hours, during which time our team of doctors was able to put Mr. Dumpty together again."

"You hate to see this kind of thing."

A regiment of roaches

'He was run over by our home. We live in a mobile home park.'

'I'm afraid we can't allow two fat, ugly B******s like you to have a window table.'

Golfer in a tree.

Curse Farmer Pickles and his industrial laminator!

'Oh, I almost forgot -- commandeer some bread and milk on your way home.'

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

Buy one get one glued to the side of your face

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Murder in Apartment 6-K

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Now you can send it."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

Boomerang cow.

'I told you it wouldn't work.'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'I'm afraid I'll fall and no one will hear me.'

"Aaaaugh! It's the Zombie Alpacalypse!"

Franz Kafka

Baseball.

UFO and snowman

'Notice the nice safety feature...crash-proof bumpers!'