Laugh Maestro Gifts

Audience given prompt to laugh: 'I don't think it's funny either - Now laugh!'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Textin’"

Baby Mozart.

'Come out with your fins up!'

Grade 2 Cellist

"... And his piano teacher says that he definitely has Van Gough's ear for music."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Timpani.

Twitter censorship

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

Violin Practise

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'I'm not sure if he plays that loud because he has a good set of lungs or if it's a mean streak in him.'

Medical Cabinet

"Harold, not only was it perfect, It was perfectissimo!!"

Well you know what they say - here today gone tomorrow - or in the case of dotcoms, here today gone shortly after lunch.

The Internet - Now available in bookstores

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

I stamped out smiley faces in your handwritten memos, and by George, I'll do the same with emoticons in your emails!

'I'm still working on my novel. In the meantime, and this is between you and me, I make ends meet by writing all those cat memes you see on Facebook.'

This isn't a good time to see him --- He just got outbid for a soul on eBay. Beelzebub.

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"