Laugh-loving Single Pillows

"If you like I can set you up with a bullet I dodged."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"As an avid red wine drinker, I can say, with certainty, that the notion that drinking clarity impares claret is false!"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

Hip Operation

Amy Schumer

The laugh track refuses to work, but I can't see the problem."

"I told you you'd ruin your appetite if you filled up on candy!"

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Falling Rock Zone

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

'MILK FIGHT!'