Laugh-loving Foodie Gifts

'I have to go on a diet. Evidently the best things in life aren't fat free!!'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

"I can assure you ladies all our eggs come from free range chickens."

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

Man says: 'Great pizza, but the mozzarella was a bit stringy.'

Amy Sedaris

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

'No, you can't complain to the waiter about the vegetables floating in your soup. It's vegetable soup!'

'Careful, the plate is really hot.'

'It's beans OR toast, not beans ON toast.'

'Sorry to keep you waiting, sir.'

'I'll have the Chairman-of-the-board Lunch, and Dexter here will have the Sissy's Salad.'

Ranch Dressing

"Mom, what kind of soup do we eat when we're sick?"

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'Home-made pie will be quick, I only live 10 minutes from here.'

'The store was out of bread, so instead I bought bagels.'

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

Noodle exchange program.

"Our special today? Hot wings!!"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

"Trust you to pick a restaurant that serves indigestion tablets rather than after dinner mints."

"There's a little jelly or something on your chin."

"Oh, no thank you. I’m rumaki-free."

"There - now it's a mashed potato. Anything else?"

'You'd better cut it into six pieces I don't think I could eat eight!'

"May your year be pear-fect."

'Surgeon General's warning on junk food! Lighten up a little!'

'Andy STILL hasn't got the hang of spaghetti..'

"You all here? Sonny Primero? Big Guiseppe? Carmine? Al Fresco? Wait, where's Al Fresco?" "He's outside."

'Brace yourself, dear. The doctor says I'm allergic to lousy cooking.'

"....My wife and I are strict humanitarians."

"Every night it's Roll Play with you."