Language Tweaker Prints

"You have a left distal prismatic distortion with a cylindrical f1 of -0.25,double astigmatism and a right eye spherical axis bias - in short Mr Wormold,you're as blind as a bat."

Generational curses: 'Yeah A virus on your PC'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"Guess who brought king cake!"

'Upon entering the rain forest...' 'Thousands of unknown species, and we can fool around with the genes of every one of them.'

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'The meaning of life? sorry, I can only answer 'true or false' questions.'

'What does coincide mean?' 'It's what you do when it starts to rain.'

'It's not scatting if they're under age two.'

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

'I'm not a 'Ghost', I'm an Ectoplasmic American.'

'Another thing?never use the term 'touchy-feely' as a negative.'

Old MacDonald had a genetically modified farm.

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'If we are to reorientate our forward facing rhetorical platform we must rephrase our message to cross fertilise the core message..holistically!'

Bull Pen

'Obviously, I know a lot of weasel words, so I would be great in a business development role...'

"Yes, dear, I was cool under pressure in the boardroom. It's 58 degrees in there!"

Succeed

"Like my old man used to say: 'No news is bad news not yet undelivered.'"

I told you you weren't allowed to stretch before the seventh inning. Security.

Kettle Drum

Adjusted sales pitch: 'Congratulations! You may already be a non-winner.'

Ventriloquist's fete

"And if, in court, you need to varnish the truth, don't make it high gloss."

'Don't leave behind any D-N-A. Or E-Y-E, A-R-M or L-E-G.'

Bullfighting might be more widely accepted if it had a different name. They should call it "dodgebull"! (Published originally on April 27, 2015.)

'Beats me why, but it's a sensitive subject: Some people will call you a Buffalo while others will call you a Bison...'

Medical Bracelet

'Teachers' Dreams.' 'Mike, did you just call me the B-Word, you fatherless good-for-nothing piece of excrement?'

Penfriend