Language Tinkerer Gifts

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

We've been going about this the wrong way -- Instead of jobs, we should be looking for job openings.

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

Adjusted sales pitch: 'Congratulations! You may already be a non-winner.'

The Man Who Couldn't Say "When."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

Robot Parts $5

Robots search for people's personal information in the cloud.

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

The Computer Bore

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Mac OS 20

"Once I connect with my server over there, I can turn my lamp on and off."

"I thought you were making a coffee table?"

Early cyborg.

'Hon? Did your phone go dead? Hello?'

The Not-So Smart Meter

'I solved the problem of dead zones on my cell phone with a personal satellite,'

"He's on screen saver. Just tap him."

"Siri, who’s the fairest of them all?"

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

Gadget geek.

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

"It's a smart hamper that sucks up clothes. My mom claims I leave my clothes on the floor, so she has it follow me wherever I go."

Bicycle sat nav.

'Ugh! Another oil puddle in the living room – bad robot dog!'

'I really can't stay for dessert. Why don't you stay and DVR the rest of the date for me?'

"The man who invented autocorrect died from the corona vibrator."

Congratulations on your retirement!

"No, it's not a bug. Since you keep losing you phone, I purchased you a phone-locating drone."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'