Language Mishap Collector Pillows

"No you idiot! I said to get a brain, not bran cereal!"

"Your insurance just called. They don't cover 'having a bad day.'"

"I've put every one of those vital master copies through here, and it took ages. Where do the copies come out?"

"I said hot, boiling oil! Not cold, refreshing milk!"

Man playing a harmonica on a exercise bike bores customers in a restaurant

"I detect an accent – money?"

"This is delicious. I'm glad I didn't try to order in Italian"

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

"It might be a better trick if you didn't use see-through glass"

Troubles with a vacuum cleaner

Quality Control

What are the odds? I'm listening to Ennio Morricone right now, too!

Car crashed into warning sign

'What a coincedence! I actually have an identical twin brother who has the same name as you.' - 'No kidding? I have one who has the same name as you!'

"Michael Bolton at Folsom Prison"

'If it wasn't a conspiracy, how come Lee Harvey Oswald is named after two rabbits?'

Golfing Accident

'She says she got into it back at a carnival in Johnstown, Pennsylvania!'

Occupational Hazards of Playing the Harp.

'Employment service? I asked for keypunchers, not cowpunchers!'

"I didn't know that entering this country required a visa. I only brought cash."

Fred was mortified to discover his web cam was broadcasting to his new boss while he was seeing what he might look like after plastic surgery.

'Mr Bell: instead of 'amazeballs' could you just use 'hello'.

'Oh no! Burning Bushisms.'

Ooops!

"I'm sorry, but I heard it as 'build a park'!"

"Who dares summon covfefe?"

"Marty? Is that you? Marty Schneider? What are the chances we'd be swallowed by the same whale?"

'I've just swallowed my mouth organ.' - 'Thank goodness you don't play the piano.'

"Note to self: Do not flush train toilets while still sitting on the seat."

'Please Remove Your Clothes When Light Goes Out.'