Lactose Laugh Lover Gifts

Search for Extraterrestrial Life. Ernie is working on a theory that alien life forms avoid the Milky Way galaxy because they're lactose intolerant.

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

King and Jester

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'Tropical fruit, imported cheese, coconuts...I'm not really into that 'eat locally' stuff.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

Hip Operation

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'I've never heard of a lactose intolerant cow!'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Amy Schumer

The laugh track refuses to work, but I can't see the problem."

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

Life is better with a laugh track and graphics.

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

'Oh dear, it looks like the men have been talking about work again.'

'You're not alone, Mr. Scrapp. A lot of hyenas are sensitive to laughter in the bedroom.'