Labor Humorist Gifts

Caution Men Shirking

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

Fusion Lab. Did you tell the boss we need more hydrogen? Yes, I told him we were out of our element.

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"I thought you wanted me to change."

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'You know, I never have had a sabbatical....'

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

'I wish they'd hurry up and fix the wind tunnel.'

The suggestion box.