Knight Of The Couch Pillows

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"You moved two spaced and then one space to the side? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that sure sounds illegal."

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"This is nice. You have your knitting and I have my vodka."

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'My husband likes to have everything handy during TV commercials.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'Having him declawed was a total was a total waste of money.'

"Is your regret that there were three of them or that they were blind?"

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

"You'll have one bite of everything!"

"The Procrastination World Championships were only a month away. He never trained so hard."

"I am a control freak."

"Maybe this will make you less of a jerk!"

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

Mud Slinging

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

If you're going to wear a GoPro, Larry, you have to actually go.

Mother's day

'He's training for the London Marathon,he watches it every year.'

'Next we have a fabulous double-play combo - two players, one low price!'

"His motto went from 'work hard, play hard,' to 'work hard, rest hard.'"

"They went together, doctor!"

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"