Kitchen Optimist T-Shirts

'Do you have one with a bigger back burner? There's a lot of stuff I can't deal with right now.'

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

Happy Knife, Happy Wife

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

The Origins of Everything

"I think you put too much healthy food in our smart refrigerator. It's about to spit it all out."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Toast: the high energy food

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"I thought the cake came out awfully dense."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'Come and get it!'

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

"I'm unable to process this image."

The perfect man

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'

"All new appliances, brand new subway tile backsplash and a unique kitchen island; notice those coconuts!"

Boy baking a cake.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"This new dough-maker attachment is going to pay for itself in no time.'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

'Don't fill up on milk and cookies.'

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"How much longer on your visionary gnocchi, Stefano?"

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

'At these prices can't you afford a kitchen?' Burner at the table

"I promise you. One day granite kitchens will be the in thing."