Kitchen Disaster Captain Gifts

"Your dinner will be later than expected, but how much later depends on where you go for it."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"It's time you took a vacation, John. I said to 'marinate'... not 'palpate' the liver!"

Snow & Flo series: Questionable cooking.

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

'My hero!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'We've finished the dishes, Miss. Jenny washes, I wiped, and Susan picked up all the pieces.'

"Maybe we were wrong to hire him just because he looks good in paper."

"I know I said I was hungry, but I'm not that hungry."

'Is it still edible?'

"Do you mind if your soup is a bit crunchy?"

"I never use the oven timer. The smoke alarms are louder."

Dave's How to Puke Book.

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

"Daddy tries to cook, but all his meals begin in a can and end up in one."

'Call an emergency church supper! The freezer's gone out!'

'Not to worry Flo - It's only Sid's dinner.'

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

Setting fire to the Christmas Pud.

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

"There's been an accident in the kitchen." "I know, I've just eaten it."

'It finally happened. We have so many dishes in the sink with unidentifiable crud stuck to them that they spontaneously combusted.'

"Apparently after your fifth bout of food poisoning they suggest you take one home."

'Don't worry, it's all dark meat.'

Smoke gets in your eyes.

"Dinner isn't ready yet. I haven't heard the smoke alarm go off."

"Changed our mind about the salad, did we?"

'You must be the only wife who uses a smoke alarm as a food timer!'

'You idiot! I said don't forget to thaw the turkey!'

'No, we can't pass it off as 'blackened' goulash!'