Kitchen Debater Pillows

'What do you mean, it's good for me and I'll like it? That sounds like a contradiction in terms.'

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"You owe me five bucks."

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

Always Compatible

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Let me get this, but keep in mind that you'll pay for it in other, more subtle ways later on."

Mayo-A-Mayo

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

The Shakespeares Dine Out.

Before he was taken away, Dr. Stuart Trust was the last known doctor to make HOUSE CALLS.

'Nobody goes there anymore.' 'Because it's too crowded.'

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

'It was the last straw when she threw her lumpy gravy over me!'

'I'll be late for dinner - a shelf fell on me.'

"Are you sure its supposed to look like that?"

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"You ordered mammoth again?"

"Never eat anything you can't lift over your head."

"The social conservative in me tells me to pay for dinner, but the fiscal conservative thinks we should split it."

'I wouldn't say you're boring, Chuck, but you're the only person I know who records The Weather Channel.'

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

"First the porridge is too hot, then too cold... you're getting a lousy tip."

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"What would make it perfect, egg salad or pastrami?"

"When you say 'the same', do you mean worse or better?"