Keeping Up With The Joneses Gifts

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."

"That family up the road who you're always trying to keep up with - she's left him."

Tiger Costume

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

"We've got the same ringtone!" (Two guys opening ring pull drinks cans).

Late Night with Patrick O'Brian

The Exhaustive Bro Catch Up

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"Why is there an ad for Jay-Z in the New England Journal of Pediatric Medicine?!"

"Dad, here's that update on my childhood you requested."

Psychiatry. My dad doesn't appreciate how hard it is to follow in his footsteps

Harrison Ford, no question. Tom Selleck, without a doubt. I don't care if they did offer Selleck the role first, Ford was a much better "Indiana Jones." Ford was ok, but his character was less than manly. What are you talking about? That's ridiculous! Harrison Ford was the definition of eighties manliness! You're telling me the "definition of eighties manliness" could run around the world for weeks and months at a time ... and never once grow anything more than a little stubble? I think maybe yo

"You're like the grandpa I never had, Mort." "You never knew your grandpappy, Randy?" "Oh, no, I knew him. Grandpa Randy was an intrepid archaeologist who broke hearts and defeated villains all over the world." "‘Indiana Randy’s’ life story became the stuff of legend. They even made some movies based on his exploits." "I'm just saying you're nothing like him." "I was going to see those films back in the '80s, but the matinees were past my bedtime."

Up-to-the-minute reporting from our man on the street.

Coronavirus

"At the moment I just follow, but someday I hope to be followed."

'Oh no, not another tweet!'

"Man...and...wife...GO!!!"

Careful - Ginger left the sniffing app open, and it shared her scent with everyone.

"Have you seen my onesie?"

Body weight app on mobile

"Want to bitch for one more lap?"

'Okay, now read that back to me in your best James Earl Jones voice.'

"I WAS feeling fine but then the health app on my watch said I might be DEAD."

Now that you've seen the Fad Herald is a regular dude and not a hipster, will you stop following everything he says? You're not answering. Why bother answering you, heathen? Heathen? He's the Fad Herald. He judges us, not the other way around. Like Sarah Palin? When facts fail you, embrace faith. It never goes out of style.

Shellfie

Football fan buries television.

'Facebook knows me better than you do.'

"You keep telling me to back up my computer. Well, I can't back it up anymore. It's all the way back to the wall."

"My cellphone needs charging. Do you mind if I unplug your life support?"

"Quarantining together is getting worse."

Need Internet To Manage My Bitcoins

"For God's sake, have some populist rage."

'I'll plead guilty if you'll guarantee me 24 hour cable network news.'

'I've got to run. See you in an hour.'