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"My client would like to do his community service in the financial community."

"I'm going to get you acquitted, but I want my fee to be a lesson to you."

Maze of Legalities: Do not enter without an attorney.

Plaque on judge's desk: 'No tipping.'

'I swear to tell the truth,the whole truth,and nothing but the truth, from my perspective.'

"Listen. It's at the quiet moments like this that you can actually hear the meter running."

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'I take it we won.'

As it turned out, that was a lie too.

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law, newspapers, periodicals, radio, television, all electronic media, and technologies yet to be invented."

"Ever have one of those days when you feel like just letting all the lower court ruling stand."

Barrister defends bear: 'Your honour, it is my client's view that these scurrilous allegations have damaged his reputation and have made almost impossible any further visits to the woods.'

"Now, this over here, this is why you're going to have to go to jail."

'More to the right!'

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class. I'm the one you said would never amount to anything.'

'As it turned out, circumstantial evidence was all they needed.'

'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'

"Change it to, 'not guilty by reason of personal health issues.' Mentioning insanity violates my right to privacy."

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"It's not really perjury if you're a compulsive liar."

'How do you like THAT disparate impact?'

"Innocence is no excuse."

"Can you recommend something for the attorney who got me everything?"

"We the jury, find the defendant to be as guilty as he looks."

'Alright, I'll go with innocent too. But can we ask the judge to give him a few weeks of jury duty just in case.'

Small Claims Court a man has arrived to a very small claims court not sure of what to make of it

'Your Honor, we the jury have leapt to a conclusion.'

"This is what happens when ethical standards are set artificially high."

"He's my attorney. Whatever happened to attorney-client privilege?"

'No offense, Your Honor, but we've decided to settle out of court.'

'And after I've tucked you in, I'll read you a nice bedtime story.'

'I'm calling a recess unti tomorrow morning - That's enough justice for one day.'

'Your Honour, if it pleases the court, I'd like to take everyone to the park and buy them an ice cream.'

Lady Justice wears a blindfold, but listens through headphones to a tape recorder on one of her scales.