Juggling Parenthood Pillows

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

'I excuse my weight by saying I'm eating for three. Unfortunately, the twins were born months ago.'

"If anyone asks I'm leaving early to spend a bit of time with my kids."

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

'You change him, and I'll change the tire.'

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Man walking a dog is passed by a runner carrying a baby on her hip.

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

Decorating with Children

'I couldn't practice last night on account of my Dad's head was gonna' explode.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

The relay race

'It's all right, I'm just a little behind.'

'We need a dog!'

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

The mating call of the Yellow-Throated Warbler,

'Having a family life and juggling two jobs? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?'

"Your daughter called—you promised to play phone tag with her today."

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Oops.

"Good news, hon. They defunded Planned Parenthood."

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."

'So you could say 'I'm wearing two hats'.'

"Amazing how having a six month old baby can motivate you to stay at the office for 16 hours a day!"

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

'That's enough Rusty.'