Jokingly Unwell Pillows

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"I brought you a wig because you said you like long hair."

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

The New Age Dentist.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

"You have ice water in your veins."

'Tell the doctor that I'm too sick to see him.'

"It's cooties."

Portaloo Tidal Wave.

'Excuse me, Mr. Pavlik, but that gentleman you called an idiot is here. Should I still say you're not in?'

"I'm afraid someone drank your sample."

IV Bags: Main and Afters

"While I'm not an internist...I'd say you coughed up your small intestines!"

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Doctor to man: 'Don't kid yourself. You don't have athlete's foot - more like couch potato's corns.'

I can't come in today. I haven't got chronic diarrhoea!

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

'What's the problem?'

"Freeze!"

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

'The nurse tells me you haven't been swallowing your pills.' (Doctor has harpoon).

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

'My anti-distraction program isn't very high-tech, but it works.'

'Lucky break for you Dad, that they had that body cast in your size.'

"Get Whale Soon!"