Joking Around Master Pillows

"No, you still look fat."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I brought you a wig because you said you like long hair."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'I didn't tell you to 'be quite Frank'. I said,'be quiet, Frank'!'

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

"Fellow graduates, when I look at you, I see future princesses, ninjas, wizards, superheroes, and zombies."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"...Any more of that fowl language and you're barred!"

Custard pie ejects from book - 'How to be a clown'

'She must be good at mixing cement - She's been making rock cakes for years.'

King Pin

'Always the wise guy.'

Up your end.

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"

Comedy course highlights fake nose

Toilet Humour: 'Did you hear about the constipated human?'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

"He's surprisingly sensitive about heckling."

Dog Dreams

'Oooh, man! You really has me going with that fake shark fin!!'

'Ok, ok, what about this one? There was an Irishman, an Italian and an Englishman ..'

A Dummy Corporation.

'When you discovered your bark was worse than your bite, you decided to see me?'

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

'Excuse me, Mr. Pavlik, but that gentleman you called an idiot is here. Should I still say you're not in?'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

"First caller is Rudolph, from the North Pole, you're on Rudolph. What's your problem?!. . . And before you speak, lt me just remind everyone that I spent ten years as a detective specializing in tracking down prank callers and mercilessly destroying their self-esteem."