Jokesters About Life’s Pressures Pillows

What's with all the cameras? They're filming seniors for college field hockey recruiters. I'll never be good enough to get admitted. It's just a game. In the real world. No one cared you even played. Then why do they make us do sports? To take your mind off all the college pressure!

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Thanks for the worm, but I almost got this stupid hook stuck in my mouth.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

"It was worth a try."