Jokesters About Fears Pillows

Now I have two types of free-floating anxiety!

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"How can you cross the road so decisively? I have to stop halfway across every time to rethink it."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Thanks for the worm, but I almost got this stupid hook stuck in my mouth.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'I see you're not wearing clean underpants.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

"It was worth a try."

"Awkward!"