Jokester With A Therapist Pillows

HELP!!! Speaking as a professional psychiatrist, I believe I'm detecting a cry for help.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"How long have I had what problem?"

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

Computer help.

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

Unsmiley face at the psychiatrist...

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

I think I have a gilt complex.

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?