Joke Jar Gifts

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"Well, that's the only song we know, so we can play it another two or three times, or we can cut our losses. Waddya say, Cleveland?"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Bed Spread"

Dog fetching clown shoes.

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Here's a request from someone who'd like to hear something in tune for a change. Oh, we have a comedian out there, I see."

You make me feel more like a veterinarian than a psychiatrist, Al. Why is that, Dr. Kapuchnik? Because you're one sick puppy.

"Women like funny men, but you can't go on a date dressed like that!"

Monkey Pee/Monkey Poo.

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

Whatcha doing, dad? I'm at work. Logging on. Tree's Tree Nursery.

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

At the Brew-haha Comedy Club

"I'd hate to see the flea big enough to wear those!"

'The beer's not cloudy, the glass is dirty.'

"I know you're thinking it. Don't say it!"

'Can, you hear me?'

This next song is also about food. I probably don't even need to say that anymore, do I.

"The Chairman will be on shortly, I'm just the warm-up guy."

'Is he taking the piss?'

'You're insecure because your data is unsecured.'

'Of course my wife understands me-that's why she's divorcing me!'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'I got this medal for being a Navy Seal.'

"That's just the meds kicking in."

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

Insulting Cashpoint

How's the writer's block?

"My trun!!"

"That must be Java Man!"

"I love my job. It's people laughing at me I can't handle."

Museum. Petrified Forest. What is the petrified forest scared of?