Job Swap Humorist Pillows

Woman to Plumber - 'Do you do teeth?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

This castle manager job better be for real.

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

"You're hired. Stay!"

'Can you dance?'

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'