Job Swap Humorist Pillows

Woman to Plumber - 'Do you do teeth?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

This castle manager job better be for real.

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

'Can you dance?'

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

"You're hired. Stay!"

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'